It Only Takes a Word
by AlexHamato
Summary: A series of dialogue-only pieces pertaining to the daily lives of the Hamato clan.
1. That Problem with Shedding

_I find myself with less and less freetime as of late. I've seen that dialogue-only works are fairly well accepted in fanfiction. So I was like, why not? This took me like five minutes to type up, so I'll have time to pop out more when I have a few minutes to myself. College/Work/etc keeps me pretty busy, but it's nice to write in the fandom again. Heh. _

_I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Nickelodeon does._

* * *

"Don, fix the cat. It sheds all over my pillow and I'm tired of waking up with hair in my eyes. It's hard enough to hit Leo when I can see him, it's a pain in the ass when I've got my eyes leaking and itching everywhere."

"Don't put the cat on my workbench! What do you want me to do about the shedding problem? Cats shed. It's well-accepted in human society."

"I'm not 'human society' and I don't are if they like cat hair in their breakfast cereal. I don't. So fix it."

"Have you applied the cream I made for the fungal infection on your feet yet? I want to know how that progressed."

"It smells like gasoline. I ain't putting that shit anywhere near my feet... Unless you think it'll keep the cat away? See? It won't leave me alone!"

"You really shouldn't kick the cat, Raph. I can never get Klunk to purr for me like that."

"If you want him, take him."

"Ah! And you felt the need to throw the cat at me _why_?"

"Just fix it."

"Sure, fine. Just stomp out of the room. What's the point of finally dismissing myself from being an IT Technician if I still have to suffer through _stupid_ on a daily basis? Now I'm speaking to a cat. Whatever. I might as well start. Stupid brothers. There's only one sure way to stop a cat from shedding."

* * *

"Klunk! Here Klunk! Come to daddy! Klunk? Has anybody seen Klunk? What was that? Don's lab? Ah, man. He's not coughing up rat heads again, is he? Whatever. I can't believe you jerks let Don touch my cat... WHY IS ALL OF HIS HAIR GONE!?"


	2. No Apologies

_I never knew how hard it was to actually convey what the characters are feeling through words alone. I suppose this would make good practice then, wouldn't it?_

* * *

"I thought this was a really great idea until the flashlights died. Now I'm thinking that blind terror is pretty close to what this is like. Mainly because, you know, I'm BLIND."

"Hold my bag, Mikey. We'll be fine. It's probably just the battery."

"What are you going to do, spit on it or something? That only works in B movies, dude."

"I'm going to change it. I wouldn't come down here if I didn't have at least a few spare batteries. You know how dangerous it is down here in the lower levels of the sewe – ah! It _burned_ me! The acid is leaking everywhere, damn it. Bag – give me the bag."

"Here, uh – Leo? We have another flashlight, right? I tried to play Bejeweled on my phone but I couldn't get any service. Maybe the satellite Don hacked into crashed or something."

"Or being a hundred feet beneath concrete and rock blocks the signal from coming in. I have some glow-sticks that we can use for light. Hold my bag again, I have the stick so now I just have too - "

"Dude, your _hands_! What the hell was in that thing? Your – that's just nasty. They're all red and purple and black. Well, there's some green left. Not much."

"Don't touch them! Just – here. Hold the light. I need to get some bandages and burn ointment."

"You really did come prepared, dude. Any chance you have any chips in there, Leo?"

"No."

"Why would a flashlight battery just explode like that? I am so going to email this to Jaime and Adam. I bet it'll be put on Mythbusters right away. They like blowing stuff up. Like Don."

"Okay, I'm done. Hand me back the light. Keep the bag. _Don't_ dig around for food. We need to save what we can in case – well, just don't mess with it."

"Hold up! Don't walk so fast, dude. This bag is like sixty pounds, I swear. Even heavier than Don's dufflebag. Are you sure that Leatherhead lives down here? Maybe Don read the coordinates wrong or something."

"Maybe. Maybe not. I trust the information that Don provided for me and I'm going to follow it. There is a reason why we coupled off to go and search one group-at-a-time. If anything happens to us, we'll have them to pull us out."

"But you told them to wait like, at least eight hours. Your _hands_, Leo. I'm not much of a doctor, but they look like they hurt like hell. We should go back. Don can fix them and me and Raph can - "

"No. I can walk. I'm not giving up just because of a little acid burn."

"This is stupid. Leatherhead would understand, he would - "

"He could be _dead_, Mikey. He may not live with us, but he is one of our own. I will not abandon him when he needs help. If you were in my shoes, would you leave a friend in need?"

"Well, I... You don't have to look at me like _that_, Leo. You know that I wouldn't. But... your _hands_..."

"Will heal. And I don't need my hands to use my legs. We've been moving for at least four hours. It's too late to turn back. We don't have that kind of time, Mikey. He might need emergency medical assistance right away."

"It was – you couldn't even hear him that well. It was just a bunch of static and, you know..."

"A scream. You heard it. We all did. Don played the damn audio file a hundred times. I'm not going to put this off lightly, because there is the chance that it's not nothing."

"But..."

"This is not debatable, Michelangelo. Pick up the pace; I don't need you slowing me down."

"But, _Leo_..."

"If you keep on whining at me like a brat, then I'm going to leave you behind. I am not so stupid that I don't understand my own limits. Now keep moving and shut up."

"Right, sorry."

* * *

"Leatherhead is fine. Just a few minor burns."

"Oh. Hey, Leo. That's good... Um, your hands?"

"They're fine. Look, Mike - "

"Don't lie to me, dude. I know burns when I see them. Those were like, at least second degree. And you have enough bandages on your hands to fill a basketball. I'm may be stupid but I'm not that - "

"I didn't say that you were stupid. Because you're not. I just wanted to say - "

"That you're sorry, I know. You don't have to apologize to me. I should have shut up and trusted you."

"Yes. I mean, _no_... Just listen - "

"What happened with Leatherhead? I remember his place was all burnt up and stuff, but after we fixed him up and carried him home, he never woke up. Is he up now? I should go see him."

"Yes, he's awake. Apparently he was recording an audio file of his work progress for Don. He was welding some project together when he had one of his waking nightmares. That was where the scream was from. The static was actually a grease fire that lit up and burned all of his equipment. Leatherhead said that he must have fallen back against his computer and it just automatically sent the file to Don."

"Okay. I'll see him now."

"Wait, stop. Sit back down. You will listen to me apologize because I am only going to do it once. It was wrong of me to snap at you like that. I have been in pain before and that is no excuse to lose my temper with you. That was my fault. I'm sorry."

"Alright, you're forgiven. Now do I have permission to leave?"

"Mike..."

"What? I asked permission to leave. I would have at least done that much!"

"… This isn't the same. You know that. Besides, that was _four months_ ago."

"What I _know_ is that – that you can just go off for a _year_ without even saying goodbye!"

"If I tried to say goodbye I never would have left and - "

"Then you should have stayed! If it's so damn easy to just '_leave me behind_' then maybe I should go on some stupid therapy trip to figure out how to be a better _idiot_."

"Mikey, stop talking like that. You would never leave the clan for more than a few days, let alone - "

"You managed well enough by yourself. I could too."

"You _can't_. It's not the same. I needed to become a better person, you… You're _already_ a good person. You know what you want in life… I didn't."

"Yeah, well… You have a life here. You don't need to go anywhere else."

"I know that now, okay? I didn't mean what I said, Mikey. I'm not going to leave again."

"Good. You better not, or I will totally hunt you down and kick your ass. Now, do you think that LH would like Playboy or Victoria Secret more? If Splinter notices, I'll just tell him that I got it from April. She won't mind taking the rap for me, I'm sure. It's not like _she_ can ever get in trouble. She's like a holy nun or something.

"Go for the Victoria Secret. At least the women will be somewhat modest."

"Sounds good to me. Leonardo-Stud-Muffin always knows best. Especially when it comes to sexy, half-naked ladies."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Just this once."


	3. What We Do

_I've seen too much Raph and Leo fighting around the fandom lately, so I wanted to ease up the tension between the two brothers and show them actually getting along. Because, you know, they have to live with each other 24/7. Also, ConnieNervegas and I must do the laundry. And I hate laundry. ConnieNervegas just told me, "I should be getting up to do something, but instead I'm just sitting here stinking." So I'm going to wrap up with that. Heh heh heh._

* * *

"I think we're out of Hydrogen Peroxide, Raph. Does bleach take out blood stains? It seems a shame to throw away such a nice pair of socks."

"Yeah, bleach works pretty good. Just mix in a shit load of water to dilute it, otherwise everything is going to be all spotted or have holes in it. Pass me the fabric softener."

"I didn't know you used fabric softener in our clothes. I suppose smelling like lavender makes up for the bad breath and distorted face."

"Laugh it up, Leo. You're just as green as I am. I could give you a few knock in the head to make us match, if you'd like. Then we can both be ugly."

"And smell like lavender?"

"Fuck yeah. I can wear whatever scent I want! I'm the laundry guy so I get to do whatever!"

"I didn't realize that this topic was so sensitive to you, Raph. I hope that the dishes don't overhear your infatuation with the laundry. They may get jealous."

"I hate dishes. You can go do the shitty dishes."

"And so you leave your leftover floozy with me? I am insulted."

"Good. I like insulting you. Now pour me a cup of that soap over there, will you? Thanks."

"I'm assuming that you were working in the garage if you need the extra-strength, grease leaning detergent. That smells like clean linen. Very... quaint."

"Shut up! Sort out the darks from the lights if you're so hell-bent on bothering me so early in the morning. I could have slept in but apparently Don wants to convert this piece-of-shit washer into some kind of steam dryer. Said something about conserving water. Like we need to worry about that, it's not like we pay for any of it!"

"And this made you want to do laundry?"

"Yeah, before it gets ripped up and thrown in the back of his stupid lab for two weeks. I don't want to get rashes or anymore weird fungus shit on me from nasty clothes."

"Understandable. If you wear something that has bio-toxins on it. What are you working on in the garage?"

"You'll see it when you see it, Leo. So don't you go looking."

"Alright, I won't. You have my word."

"Just like that? Well, good. I guess. I'll show you it when it's done. Even _you_ will appreciate what I did."

"I'm sure I will. Oh, Raph? If you want to stop getting rashes, I'd switch to a fabric softener with less fragrance in it."

"... Whatever. Stop laughing! Yeah, you keep on walking, limpdick! I'm going to put your stupid socks in a bucket of bleach! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET YOUR SOCKS SOAKED WITH BLOOD!?"

* * *

"Can I open my eyes now? I know that we're in the garage, Raph. I think a Ninja can guide himself without help. You can let go of my elbow, already."

"Whatever. Just stay there, okay? I'll tell you when you can open your stupid eyes."

"... And that would be you trying to get the giant sheet off. It was very inconvenient to keep the clan away from the garage for six months. Especially since we had to park the Battle Shell outside of April's place. I thought that Don was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I had him categorizing anything that NORAD would record entering our airspace. Or something like that. He knew that I was just keeping him busy, but he seemed happy enough about it."

"That satellite thing? If you're done talking, you can open your eyes now."

"... Raph... You made a _forge_?"

"Yeah... It's, well – I think it works. Figured you could start it up. Since you're all into that kinda stuff... Okay, okay. You can stop touching me now."

"It's called a hug. Men can hug each other. April said so. Besides, I... Wow, this is really amazing, Raph. I'm impressed, thank you."

"Yeah, well... I figured you do a lot of stuff for us. And whatever. So this is for that. Not that I'm sucking up or anything. Just thought you'd like to make your own weapons when they get all beat up and shit. You know, instead of trying to stab some asshole in the kidney and it just makes him piss blood. Can't help keep us from getting killed off with a dull blade."

"Right... You're a good man - and brother... You know what I mean."

"Yeah. You too, Leo... Now, let's light this bitch up."

"It would be my pleasure."


	4. Addict of a Ninja

_This was written from personal experience. A painful, glorious experience. I have the turtles a bit younger here, probably a year before they met April or went topside together without sneaking out. You may thank my roommate ConnieNervegas for suffering through this hard time with me. Addictions can be scary, that's for sure._

* * *

"He doesn't eat. He doesn't _sleep_. All he does is sit there on the couch. Doing nothing. This isn't normal, Raph. Even for Mikey."

"I've seen him eat Doritos with peanut butter on them. He's fine. Or whatever. Just leave him alone, Leo."

"Then he has the munchies! We don't know what's _really_ up there. And he was gone for several hours. Just enough to get into something. What if he's been stealing from humans?"

"Then he's stealing from humans. We've all done it. Well, except for you. The higher-than-thou Leonardo who is too glorious to take a shit that smells like ours."

"Stop making this about me, Raph! This is about Michelangelo and his drug addiction. How else could he focus on that _one_ spot for over twenty hours? It's heroine."

"Maybe. Definitely not meth, or he'd be picking at his skin. Some dumbass druggie could have laced his grass."

"How am I not informed that you know this? I don't know about any of this, but I will find out! Did Don get the internet up, or is he still working on it? I bet he's had internet for years and hoards it in that room with all of his other stuff. What if Don is Mikey's drug dealer?"

"What if we're all the acid trip of a junkie zoologist? It doesn't matter. We're old enough we can do whatever the hell we want."

"Don't cross your arms like you're Rambo. It's stupid. You're just saying that because father found your liquor still and you're grounded for another month. You're only fourteen!"

"I'm fifteen now. I moved my birthday up a week because I wanted to be older than Don this year. I'd be older than you if you didn't choose your birthday on the first day of January. I'm already bigger than you."

"Bigger doesn't mean older, Raph. And Humans don't drink until they are twenty-one. We should do the same because we're Americans."

"Whatever, we don't even exist to them and we can't vote - _and_ Don said that we grow up to be adults faster than humans, so it doesn't count for us. So there."

"So _not_ there! We're Ninja, not druggies or alcoholics. We should only be addicted to honor! If you guys stopped doing stupid stuff like that, Splinter would have let us go topside by now. _With_ his blessing and not sneaking out."

"The still didn't even work! And I never said that I was going to DRINK it! You never asked what it was even for! Fuck this. I'm not going to take any of this shit!"

"Raph, RAPH! Don't leave! I need you to help me with Mikey's intermission – and there goes the door. Fine. I'll help Mikey by myself."

* * *

"Dude, my right eye is bloodshot as FUCK."

"I've noticed, Mikey. Is there something you want to tell us? I mean, me? I tried to get the others but they don't seem to care for your wellbeing like I do. Other than Splinter, but he's busy keeping Don from sneaking in dangerous contraband."

"It's weird. Now that I'm coming off it, my head is all light but I'm really hyper. Maybe I'm still feeling the effects of the Buffout, only it's me and not my other guy. He's evil since I couldn't keep him neutral and being good is way too boring."

"Is that what they call it on the streets? Mikey, you have to stop! Please, your brain won't develop fully if you keep this up. Think of the clan. Of your _honor_."

"I've only been addicted to four different chems, dude. Buffout is okay, but it's Jet that's really awesome. I can shoot up like thirty different rounds at once. Leo? Are you crying? They're not that expensive and it's easy to loot them off of raiders. Why are you so upset, dude? They're just chems. Like drugs, only cooler."

"Drugs are not cool! I'm losing my brothers. I'm such a failure. If I can't stop this than I don't deserve to be the future leader. This is all my fault."

"Chill out, dude. Do you have any eyedrops? My eyes are seriously bothering me. The walls are like _moving_! I think I've been staring at the moving lights for too long."

"WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK DRUGS?"

"Damn, Leo. My ears hurt now! Keep it down. Why do you look so crazy right now? It's kinda creepy but funny. In a ha-ha sort of way. Not _really_ amusing. Unless Raph was me. But he's not, so I'm screwed… Hey, HEY! Let me go, Leo! What the hell? Get off me!"

"I have stood aside for far too long, Michelangelo! Where are they? I won't stand to have drugs in this house!"

"We live in a _sewer_, dude! Like Ghouls! Get your hands out of my face! You are so not helping my headache. Withdrawls are going to suck."

"Well, you deserve it! How stupid could you be to get into that? Who did you take it from? Gang members? Politicians? The little old woman on Eastman? Who is your supplier? Please don't tell me it's _Don_."

"Don just bought it. Okay? I picked it up myself. That's why I was gone for like, six hours. Splinter knew about it, even if he wasn't happy. I'm done with it now, I swear. The end results were like, totally lame. It was like a mockery of human kind. At least, when I played a good guy. Now I'm going to be totally evil and kill everybody and loot their stuff."

"… I've lost him… My brothers. My poor brothers…"

"Um, Leo? Still here, dude. I'm not dead or anything. Well, I am – but that's because the stupid jerks who made Fallout 3 decided to have the main quest super short and kill me right at the end. I didn't even meet Deadmeat! I'm so pissed. Over twenty hours of no sleep every night for nothing. It's stupid."

"… You have done nothing but play some stupid video game for over sixty hours in three days _not_ because you're on mind-altering drugs, but because you _wanted too_?"

"Dude, its _Fallout_. Just wait until I get the expansion. Don said that he knows some online nerd friends that can hook me up. But don't tell him I said that. My brain is kinda swimming and the internet usage was suppose to be a surprise… Leo? You're hugging me kinda tight. No oxygen here… dying…"

* * *

"Don, we need to talk. I hear you've got the package in."

"I do. Do you have what I need? This isn't cheap. There is a high demand and few manufactured."

"I'm your _brother - _ "

"Who is also my customer. I have to keep our relationship professional. I'm sure you understand."

"You're an asshole."

"An asshole who gets what you need. Your supplier, remember?"

"… Fine. Just give it here and you'll have your payment soon."

"I told you up front."

"That was before Mikey – "

"Michelangelo will recover, Leo. I have given him ample medical supplies and enough Doritos and Monster to last him another week if need be."

"This is risky. It's not even released yet, Don. What if _he_ finds out?"

"I only have three informants and I live with every one of them. The others won't talk. I've cracked the code, I know what is coming. I've seen it myself."

"How do I even know this is the real thing? It could be fake. What if _your_ supplier is wrong, Don? What if this is all a hoax!"

"War. War never changes."

"… Give me the damn game. I have a world to save."

* * *

**A/N - Any Fallout fanatics here? Anybody? I'm sure that many of my male readers may enjoy the references, as I enjoyed making them. Heh. I never liked the game until I mastered the VATS system. Then I could never stop. So alas, my addiction has hopefully run it's course. I wrote this for therapeutically reasons, I swear. And why does Raph know what "Thou" means? The same reason that wherefore means why. And wherefore Obama won and wherefore there are patty fields of Naruto's face grown and Coronel Sanders has cursed the Japanese KFC... I need caffeine. **


	5. Meet the Tickler

_I've noticed that Mikey tends to get tortured quite a bit in this fandom. Hell, I've had quite a few scenes with this. But usually I skip over the actual... act. I thought I'd get a little out of my comfort-zone and go for something a little disturbing. That and I take any chance I get to make Mikey seem tough and not cry all the time. Because, you know, they're Ninja and stuff. Hope this "tickles" the sadistic fancy that I am sure lies in some, if not most, of my readers._

* * *

"Meet the Tickler, freak. He's going to be asking you a few questions. You'll answer him if you don't want to lose any… parts. I'm off to play a few rounds with the boys. I'll be back soon and I better have some answers."

_Slam_.

"At least I'm in a cell with a door this time. The whole caged animal bit is getting kind of old. That and I have this sneaking suspicion that Hun wasn't talking about golf. What's your story, dude? Other than looking as weird as I do pretty. The whole chiseling-teeth-down-to-fine-points is kinda gross… Oh, they're _dentures_ with canine teeth sticking out everywhere. How nice of you to show me. Not. What do you want to know? I want to get this over with so that I can catch SHIELD tonight."

"Where does it _livesss_?"

"It, as in me? That's a very nice rusted pair of pliers you have there, by the way. Very… traditional… Okay, _okay_! I like my fingernails intact, thank you. I'll tell, but you know that we can move again in like five minutes, right? Yeah, yeah – you're going to pull out an eyeball or something."

"Where'_sss_?"

"Trump Tower."

"No _lying_…"

"- It's true! Trump is like my best dude, I swear. He wants my secret to my luscious locks of hair… _hhhmph_… I didn't need that fingernail anyways… I pick my nose with my left one... You should try that one next, _Barney_. You're going for the whole dinosaur look with the body scale tattoos and no-nose, right? And this hissing is really stupid, not scary. You're just _sssspitting. _See how annoying that is?"

"Not _niceesss_, not _nicesss_ at _all_."

"_Aeergh_! That is a _finger_, not a bolt! What do you want me to say? You idiots couldn't find it even if I gave you a GPS and a – a damn it, don't you have something better to do? What about a date with Frances Sinclair? _Eeeigh_! Dude, dude – if it's _snapped_ that means that you can stop twisting it now!"

"_Tellsss_ us."

"STOP talking like Gollum! I love Andy Serkis and you're ruining that for me!"

"It talksss too much, yesss it doesss…"

"_It_ is actually a _he_ and _he_ at least knows how to talk without spitting. At least Daffy Duck was funny... Hey, where are you going? I have three fingers and two thumbs left, Barney. Don't be such a cheap date now… Huh. Is that a car battery? Electrocution is always fun. Too bad I don't have any nipples you can clamp those too."

"Ssso little soft _fleshiesss_, not enough fat."

"Hey, hey! Hands off the goods, dude. The tail is off – _AAAAURGH_! Not cool, _seriously _not fucking cool. Who zaps a man there!? Who!?"

"Where doesss it live?"

"And if I say where, you won't zap my junk again?"

"_Yesss_, that is the _point_."

"… In that case, well, I'm sorry guys but… I don't have any other choice… The truth, Barney, is that I have recently taken up residency with _you_r mother. I just have this thing for flesh-eating piranha ladies. I suppose this means that you should call me dad."

"No _lying_!"

"_AAAAAAURGH_! Step-daddy Mike? – _eeeirgh… _Dude, I can smell it _burning_. That's just... _Aaaaaurgh – you_ have _serious_ SERIOUS anger management issues there… there, _Barney_."

"Hun man sssaid that if you do not _tellsss_ me, then I get to play. Ssso I'm gonna play and make a new _hat_ for my cold headsss."

"_Whew_… Huh? A hat? But where would you get – _oh_. A flaying knife. You know, turtle skin isn't really _that_ good for hats. Maybe… maybe a _really_ small… eye-patch? They work well enough for pirates."

"No _hatsss_, I want _hatsss_."

"Aw… _fuck_…. _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEIGH!_ _SHIT, FUCK – DAMN IT_!"

"Looksssee! My new _hatsss_!"

"Yeah – no. That's creepy. Will you STOP dancing around with it like that! It's not a flag! Ah… my leg… _holy shit_… my _leg_…"

"It squirmsss and _wrigglesss_ like a fishiesss. Nice big chains keep itsss down for play!"

"The Gollum act has _got_ to drop. When I get out of these chains, I _swear_ I will kick your creepy, psychotic ass. I – What are you doing now, huh? _Barney_? If that is really your name!?"

"Hatsss makes us hungry. Need _meatsss_."

"_Ugh_… I'm going to be sick… did you just _eat_ that? Seriously? Hey, get away. Get _away_! _Eeeiaaah_, that's _so gross_. Stop licking me, damn it! The forked tongue is like on all degrees of _wrong_."

"Needsss a little fire to cooksss it. Too squishy."

"If I said that I lived with the Spice Girls, you wouldn't believe me, would you? Yeah… didn't think so. What is – _torch_? A welding torch isn't really good for – hey, hey! Don't you want another hat!? It can be the new _Prada_!"

"Why does it _wriggle_ aroundsss? Isss it ssscared?"

"Oh, I don't know – being _eaten alive_ may not be on my bucket list, but I've always been the YOLO turtle. And, well… it's _you _ who should be scared of eating me because… uh… I have… _Aaah - PARASITES! Shit! _That's _hot_. _Why_ the left arm? The right looks way tasti – _EEEEERGH_!"

"It crackles and _sssizzlesss_!"

"_Aaaaaeeeeeeeeiagh! Stop it! _That's _enough_ already! _Shit_!"

"_Ssstop _it. That'sss enough already. _Shitsss_. Does it want to _crysss_? Does it _hurtsss_?"

"… How about you go to hell, Barne_eeeeoooow_! _What is wrong with YOU_!? Stop _eating – aaaurgh! _Stop it, stop it, _stopitstopitstopit_!"

"It tastesss _goodsss_. Doesss it wantsss me to ssstop? Jussst tellsss me where it _livesss_."

"… Actually… I think you left a little bit extra by the elbow…"

"It makesss me _MADSSS_!"

"You? Mad? I don't see it. The spitting out blood and pieces of my arm doesn't really pull _mad_ off. More like psycho. But you know who is going to be _really_ mad? My brothers. Especially the really big one. But you shouldn't be afraid of him, not really. He'll just kill you right away. It's the one with the fun _toys_. Because _he _likes to play too. And he has way _scarier_ toys than you do, _Barney_. You just better hope that my _leader_ shows you some mercy. But probably not. So I wouldn't ask, if I were you."

_Bopbopbopbopbopbop. BOPBOPBOPBOPBOBOP._

"What isss _thisss_? It hurtsss earsss…"

"That, my sadistic buddy, would be my _brothers_."

_Crash_.

"_What'sss – Nooooooooo! Eeeeeeeeigh!"_

"… What took you dudes so long? You just missed me getting _tickled_ by Barney over there. Say hi, Barney."

"…_Hi_… AAAAAAAAAAEEEEGH!"

_Crack_.

"Bye, Barney."

* * *

**A/N - I'm not sure if onomatopoeia explains enough, or if bullet sentences are allowed in dialogue-fics... but I did so anyways. For both. Heh. I was worried because this had a lot of ACTION action going on, that's really hard to capture with only words. This is my best attempt, though. So there. Heh heh heh. **


	6. A Fishing Man

_I figured I'd try to pop out another chapter before I have to get back to school, which will be next week. Thank Aster Sapphire for inspiration and a few good lines in this. Heh heh heh. I don't really know what else to really say up here, so I just hope that ya'll enjoy the quick read!_

* * *

"The fish aren't really biting, dude. They're probably not awake yet. I mean, it's like four in the morning!"

"Fish don't sleep. I don't think. And what the hell did you expect when you use _gummi_ worms?"

"Isn't it obvious, Raph? I was going to start a new fish trend. Some dude had to have put worms in the water a long time ago so that the fish could get a taste for them. I am revolutionizing fishing!"

"I didn't come to the farmhouse to watch you be a dumbass. I'm here to fish at the lake. So _get away _from the cooler and focus on fishing!"

"Just one beer? You've had like three! I'm tired of juice boxes. I'm a MAN, dude."

"I can hold my beer and you can't, princess! SIT DOWN!"

"Wow, this boat can really rock… Okay, OKAY! Don't look so mad. I'm not going to _actually_ flip the boat. Chill out, Raph. Get all zen and stuff. I heard that Don got a psychology degree online, he could totally be your therapist!"

"I wouldn't have to get mad if I wasn't always around idiots. If you want a beer so damn bad, here. Now shut up."

"… Oooooh, it's fuzzy! Look, look! I have a foam mustache! Raph, you're not looking!"

"Yeah, yeah. It's stupid and whatever. Stop bothering me already."

"You are so not looking. I'm like Zorro, you know? '_You killed my father, prepare to die_!'"

"Stop dancing around with your invisible sword and sit back down! Can't you stay still for five minutes? And that wasn't Zorro. That was Inigo Montoya. They're not even the same guy!"

"They're both hot and have awesome hair. I wish I had hair like that… What? Are you feeling sick now, or something? I'll sit down, okay? After another beer. I don't really like how it tastes, but I feel really cool when I drink it. Like an adult and stuff."

"You're sixteen."

"So are you, dude. Come on, Raph, don't look at me like that. I was joking… I would totally have hair like Fabio, not Antonio."

"That's _it_. Get your ass over here – "

"Wait – stop, STOP! What are you doing? Don't throw me overboard! Raph!"

"You want to revolutionize fishing, RIGHT? Well, go do it!"

"… _Not_ cool, Raph! I think I swallowed a frog down there! And the water is really cold."

"Don't care. I'm going to drink _my_ beer on _my_ boat and you're not invited."

"But I'm your _favorite_ brother! I'm always invited. Besides, you are – wait, did you hear that?"

"No, because you're too loud. Just get in the boat already and stop screwing around, Mike… Mikey? Stop being stupid and come up already. Mike! GET IN THE BOAT! Fuck, he probably can't hear me. Where the hell did he go? MIKEY!"

* * *

"… Did you just kiss me?"

"It was CPR, dumbass! What the hell were you doing that far down, under the water?"

"I told you I heard something! There was this hissing sound and then – I think it was a snake or something. It wrapped around my ankle and pulled me under! I'm not crazy. Stop looking at me like I'm crazy!"

"I don't think you're crazy, Mike. It's just – _fuck_. You weren't _breathing_ and – "

"Oh, right. Sorry. Um, are you okay? I'm totally breathing and stuff now, so… You don't have to hide your face like that, Raph. It's not bad to cry."

"I'm not _crying_. I don't cry. Just… I don't know, talk about Fabio or whatever you want."

"Sorry I ruined your fishing trip, Raph. I – "

"You didn't ruin the fucking trip, okay? I said to talk about Fabio, not stupid apologies!"

"But I knew you wanted some peace and quiet but I got bored right away. I don't know why you like sitting in a boat for hours, honestly. I guess I wanted to find out why."

"It's quiet. Not like the city. Which is, you know, full of assholes."

"But there's nothing to do out here, dude. That and I thought you had issues sleeping because it was too quiet?"

"I got used to it, eventually. That or I just sleep with the fan. Or whatever. I could use a drink."

"I have an extra juice box in my fishing overalls, I think. If it's not all squished and stuff… Here! Hope you like outrageous orange."

"Not that kind of drink, Mike. We should head back. I'll get the boat tomorrow. Give me your hand."

"Thanks. My legs are all shaky anyways. I'm totally using you as a walking crutch."

"That's fine. Watch your fingers though, they're cold as hell."

"… So you like the country, huh? I guess I never saw you much like a cowboy."

"I'm not a cowboy. I just like to fish. Don't think too much about it."

"Dude, I think that's cool! All John Wayne and stuff. I'm more of a John Travolta myself, but that's because I'm the pretty one. Even though sometimes I think it'd be cool to be tough… Like you."

"Yeah, well – Just don't do the stupid shit I do. Okay? Drink your juice boxes. And if I ever see you around any of Don's cigarettes, I'll kick your ass."

"But it looks cool!"

"Until you can't run a mile without hacking up a lung. But don't tell anybody I said anything. Splinter banned them and Don's trying to keep it secret and shit. I told him I wouldn't be a snitch."

"I love secrets! I guess Donnie's trying to do the whole Sherlock Holmes persona. I think you're like Johnny Cash. Leo would totally be like Ghandi. Who do you think I'd be like, huh? Chris Hemsworth? The Flash?"

"Rob Schneider."

"Raph, STOP LAUGHING! That's not even funny! Rob _Schneider_? He's like Hollywood's annoying stray cat! Nobody wants him around but they keep him in movies to keep him from whining."

"You asked and that's my answer. If you don't like it, don't ask. You're smart enough to know that."

"You think I'm smart?"

"Stop doing that thing with your face! The beaming shit. It's not like I said anything special. You can stop squeezing the feeling out of my arm."

"Raphie thinks I'm _smart_. Raphie thinks I'm smart!"

"Stop chanting that! I just said that you were smart, not that you were a fucking genius!"

"Hey, any compliment from Raphael is as rare as a giggling Karai, so I'll take what I can get."

"Just because I don't cheer every time you crack a joke or take a shit doesn't mean that I don't, you know, think that stuff."

"Yeah, I know. You have to be the rugged manly man and all that. But I don't have that obsession with proving my masculinity all the time, so I can say whatever I want; like that you're a bit sensitive, but a good man. And even if you don't like yourself that much, I do, and I couldn't think of a dude I'd rather follow than you. Or maybe Leo. But especially not Don."

"Okay, okay. Just bake me some cookies or something. I don't need you slobbering all over me like a wife or whatever. I'm agreeing with you, alright? Just stop with the damned _hugging_."

"Love you too, Raph."


	7. Last Breath

_I just realized that I never really did the "Buried Alive" challenge issued by the former Stealthy Stories, so I thought I'd do this. I did do this "Buried Innocence" story, but that wasn't really what they had in mind, I think. This is just... Yeah. I wrote this while watching Golden Girls, so I apologize ahead of time if it seems cheesy. Not that Golden Girls are cheesy, more like they distracted me so I don't think I wrote it as well as it could be. I don't know. Thank Aster Sapphire for giving me the confidence to post this up. Hopefully somebody enjoys it. Heh heh heh._

* * *

"Hello? Is there anybody receiving this signal? If I just had some _light_… Okay, there. Hello? I have locked onto a signal. Is anybody there?"

"Mmmm, hmm? Huh? Who is it? Don? _Damn_. I can't see shit. Just smacked my head on some stupid… board? What the hell? Where am I?"

"Do you smell anything significant, Raph?"

"Significant? What's that supposed to mean? I smell _dirt_ and – ah, hell. That's not even – that's just wrong. I don't remember drinking that much."

"The releasing of your bowels could be caused by a strong muscle relaxant. You probably would not be able to pick up on the surrounding soil if you're covered in urine and, well – I'd rather not get into the rest."

"Shit, yeah. So you're stuck in a box too, huh? Maybe we died and didn't realize it and this is some shitty hell."

"I doubt that. I can't imagine an afterlife in which the dead are given radios for communication. This is the only signal I could pick up on."

"So you don't know where the others are? Well, that's just fucking peachy. Last thing I remember was finishing knitting my hat. I went to bed and woke up here. In this shithole."

"I was turning my Sims into zombies to wipe out my neighborhood and I may have fallen asleep at the desktop again, so most likely we are suffering some form of amnesia. Probably drug-induced."

"Alright, Sherlock, how are we going to blow ourselves out of here? I'm not one-inch punching myself out of this thing."

"It seems as if most of the pockets that I've sewn into my belt or carved into the insides of my shell have been left unspoiled. I still have a few matches, a foot roll of copper wire, and a lockpick. I can smell a strong residue of engine oil in the soil, so I may be buried around a factory that manufactures engine blocks. Are you sure you can't smell anything besides your own body fluids?"

"Do you _really_ have to call them that? Just say piss and shit like normal people. Give me a sec… Ugh. Yeah. Definitely smells like the garage after I degrease the engine. So how does that help us? We're still stuck here."

"Information is always important, even if it seems insignificant. Can you estimate the dimensions of your box? I have approximately four hours before I will die of asphyxiation. That is, if I have only been unconscious for a few hours."

"It's about the size of a coffin, I'd say. So probably the same as you. You don't think we're buried next to each other, do you?"

"Possibly. Just as likely as you are, than if you are not."

"I guess I'd just rather that we are, or whatever. Not that it matters."

"… I understand. I feel the same way."

"Four hours, huh?"

"Give or take fifteen minutes or so, yes. Did you want me to keep track of time… so that you know?"

"… Yeah."

* * *

"You ever made one of those, whatchamacallit… bucket things. I don't know. Something with a bucket. Don't know why the hell they had it be a bucket. A pail works just as well."

"A bucket list. Do you feel light headed? It has only been an hour. Your speech is slurred."

"Yeah, yeah. I think the stupid screaming fucked up my box. Or air, whatever. But the bucket list. Did you ever make one?"

"Yeah, with Mike. He wanted to wear a chip hat to Mardi Gras and eat guacamole out of it."

"I thought he already did that last week, at April's. Close enough to Orleans the way she decorates the place."

"He always knew what he wanted in life. I could only think of one to put on mine. Well, one that I took seriously. Mostly I made up outrageous statements to amuse Mikey. Resurrecting Hitler's ghost was a ruse. I had no intention to contact him, even if the burned Ouija Board and Mikey doing the _heil _for a week may prove otherwise."

"… Well, what is it? You can't just stop talking like that, Don. I can't see nothing. What – what did you want to, you know, do or whatever. In your bucket."

"… Attend a university. Obviously not a possibility, but I always believed that I would do well in an academic settings. Humans will never accept us, though. They can't even accept each other."

"Yeah. The assholes. Except April, she's okay. I never made a bucket. Or a list, or anything. Didn't think I'd live long enough to do anything. Guess I was right."

"We have three more hours. I can – I'll fix this. There has to be some… some method. I just haven't thought of it yet. If I could just _think_, I could fix this."

"You've thought enough. You always think too much. We're both going to die and rot here, Don. So stop being stupid… Don? What's that scratching sound? What are you doing? Donnie!"

"Save your oxygen and stop yelling. I'm just… _testing_… the soil… _AH!_"

"DON! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?"

"I'm fine, I'm _fine_ – stop screaming. I just had a slight… spill. I stabilized it. If I can _oxidize_ these components…"

"Damn it, Don! Don't you go killing yourself before I can get over there to KICK YOUR ASS!"

"_Shit_! That was hotter than I estimated – no, no – I'm fine. Don't start the useless threats again. I could do without that. There. I can breathe a bit better. I still have the copper wire, the picks, and a few matches. And, well, the radio – I suppose…"

"You're going to pull apart the radio? Why? Don! What are you going to do?"

"I'm thinking, I'm _thinking_. It all depends on how deeply I'm buried."

"Well, what if you guess wrong? Don?"

"… The outcome will be the same if I do not try. But it would destroy the radio."

"… Okay…"

"Raph? You don't want me to take apart the radio."

"Well – _fuck_, Don. I just – I don't care. You can break it or whatever. Doesn't make any difference to me. Just do it."

"Raph…"

"Just DO it. Don't worry about me. I don't care what happens. Dying is dying, it doesn't matter if it's by myself or – or not."

"… Logically, I should do this. The minerals I'm surrounded with are volatile enough that if I just get an electrical charge, I can make a reaction powerful enough to blow myself out. If this is a shallow grave… But I can't. I won't leave you alone, Raph."

"You already said that you were going to do it. I'm going to die anyways. Might as well get yourself out. No point in staying behind and dying for an asshole like me."

"But there is also the possibility that the blast will liquefy my organs and pulverize my appendages. It would either be an instant death, or a long one. Well, not as long as asphyxiating, but neither will be pleasant."

"… So you're not doing it?"

"I would rather not. And not because you persuaded me not too, your debate skills are lousy. This is the most rational decision… Raph?"

"T-Thanks, Donnie. Not that – that I care or anything. Because it doesn't matter."

"… It does to me."

* * *

"It's getting _smaller_! Damn it! I'm going to MURDER whoever the fuck put me here!"

"That's impossible, Raph. The wood won't warp from this pressure. You need to stop hitting the box, you might cause the soil to spill in."

"I swear there is something _crawling_ on me! Fuck! _Fuck_!"

"Raph, calm down! It's all in your head! You're just hallucinating due to the lack of oxygen."

"There's ants in here! That fucker put ants in my box! I'm going to string him up by his fucking guts. _Damn it_. Fucking _bastard_."

"Listen to me. Stop struggling, you're going to – Raph, _calm down_. You're hyperventilating."

"Can't – _damn it,_ they're on me – I can't _breathe_."

"I can't do anything about it! You need to stop screaming and thrashing or you are going to _die, _Raph."

"Leo – where's _Leo_?"

"I don't know. Raph, just _stop_. You need to stop – you're going to break your box! Why won't you listen to me? Just stop and think _rationally_. Why can't you do that?"

"_Fuck_, I know that. I _know_ that, Don. But – but they're _biting _me. They're all over, I'm not crazy. I'm not – I'm NOT."

"I know. It's just your brain suffocating and causing your nerves to act sporadically. There is a logical _reason_ for this. Now focus on my voice, okay? Just _focus_… Good. Now I need you to count. You can count down from ten. When you get to one, the ants will be gone. You have to _believe_ in this, Raph. Just listen to my voice. Okay, start counting."

"… _Ju_. _Kyu. Hachi. Shichi Ro – Ro - "_

"_Roku_. Come on, Raph. I'm here. What's next."

"_Go. Shi. S – San… Ni... Ichi._"

"… Are you better?"

"Yeah… Sorry. For being such a, you know, coward and all that. Don't tell anyone or I'll bust your face."

"I'll take it to my grave."

"… You're such an asshole."

"Apparently an _amusing_ asshole. Glad to hear you laughing again, Raph."

"Yeah, fuck you too."

* * *

"Don? Donnie?"

"Hmmm? Wazzit? Gah, my tongue is thick. Raph?"

"My piss is freezing cold. But the smell has stopped making me gag."

"Mm, that's nice…"

"Hey, stop falling asleep. Or dying, I don't know. Just… I don't know."

"I don't know either. I can't think anymore… I think I lost count. I don't remember what I was at last. Maybe three hours. I'm not sure."

"'s okay. I never knew. Hey, hey… what did you regret most? And don't say world domination or some shit like that. Like really, _really_ regret."

"You seem to want to want to know a lot about me. Why? It won't matter soon enough."

"It matters to me, asshole. You never say anything about yourself. You're just… there."

"It's better that way. I never understood how people work or – or functioned. Socially, that is. Besides, you never speak about yourself either. You just drink a lot."

"Well, you know everything, so I never had to tell you anything. And I drink because I have more regrets than I know what to fucking do with. Guess it don't mean shit now, though."

"… You really want to know?"

"We're dying. Does it matter?"

"I suppose not…"

"… Don? You still there? DONNIE!?"

"I'm here, I'm here. Just… April is hot. I mean, attractive. In a physical way."

"Yeah, we all think that. She's the only woman in our lives. We've all had a crush on her. Until the whole sister thing. Or mom, or whatever. She smells nice. Like… soap."

"I never saw her as that. I couldn't. She's a human. Different. Almost exotic, really. I could hold a conversation without fear that I am belittling her intelligence. That and she's warm. And we have the same eyes. Not that the similarity matters, logically."

"Fuck logic. But you, you _liked_ her? Like that? I mean, I guess you guys both got the green eyes or whatever, but yours look more like fungus or moss. Something like that."

"I know it doesn't make _sense_, Raph. That's why I never acted on the absurdity. The concept is ridiculous, at best. But… but I still feel this _regret_ and I don't understand why. Rationally, I should just leave her alone and let her live out her life as a human. That is what would be best for her. I should be content with that."

"Doesn't sound real content to me. But, fuck it, love isn't for us. We're freaks. That shit ain't worth it. Didn't you ever watch that Love Story bullshit with Ryan O'Neil? 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' What idiot wrote that?"

"Erich Segal. Although we really shouldn't waste our oxygen discussing the failures of romantic films from the seventies. Even if it won five Golden Globes."

"Right. Sorry. Hey, you sure you don't want to try blowing yourself up again? I'm better about it now. I won't be a pussy and start blubbering again."

"I'm sure, Raph. I'd rather it be this way, otherwise there would be another regret that I would have to live with. And I won't have it. Not like that."

"… Are you scared?"

"No point in agonizing over the inevitable. Life must end eventually, sooner or later makes no difference to me… It just happens."

"Yeah, me too."

* * *

"... Raph? Are you there? Raph?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... _Ja ne, otouto_."

* * *

**A/N - And they live HAPPILY EVER AFTER...**


	8. Smoldering Tempest with Warts

_I was inspired by ConnieNervegas to attempt to write humor between Leo and Raph... Yeah. I think that THIS was the hardest chapter to write so far. Apparently humor isn't really my thing. Heh heh heh. I had to make a few jabs at the artwork on the upcoming movie, so hopefully that is entertaining. I'll just say here that this is based in their bedroom, where they're just talking. Exciting, right? Riiiight. _

* * *

"What as that?"

"That stupid gluten-free diet is getting to me. Forgive me if I don't have bowels of steel."

"You're on a diet, why? I didn't know that you were so self-conscious about your figure, Raph. The extra gas isn't worth it."

"Shut up, Leo. It's the only way to get rid of all these stupid warts that keep on popping up on my – well, everywhere. Okay?"

"… Did Don put you on that diet?"

"Yeah, why? He's been giving me these food packet things to eat. At first I didn't care about the warts, but it's annoying as fuck when I eat Mike's Spanish omelet and spend the next three hours on the pot. I thought I had Colitis."

"You don't get Colitis from warts. Has Don given you any sort of medical cream? I can look at them, if you want. But you'll have to turn on the light. I don't want to move."

"I don't need you staring at my ass! And I don't want to move either. I'd rather sleep but I've got this itchy burning in my – "

"I get the picture, Raph. You didn't actually agree to be a Don's guinea pig with that weird hand lotion, did you? Because that wasn't to get rid of dry skin. I saw him using it to clean out Saturday night's Frito pie incident from inside the oven."

"He said it was April's Valentines present! It smelled like cucumber melon. So what, you're telling me that Don gave me warts?"

"Sounds like genital warts, actually. I don't want to know anymore. Goodnight."

"Leo! I don't have herpes! Stop ignoring me, man. This is serious. How do I get rid of them? I can't stand these stupid rations, but Don said I shouldn't eat meat or dairy. Or gluten. What the hell is gluten, anyways?"

"I don't know. I'll talk to Don about it in the morning. It's not like your warts are going to go away anytime soon. Just remember to not use any of Don's experiments as a night lotion."

"Whatever. I can't sleep. I'm going to kick Don's ass in the morning... Do you think that Watson and Sherlock are really gay? That new show makes them both look like fruitcups."

"It's three in the morning, Raph. Can't we talk about your homophobia later?"

"It's like Frodo and Sam all over again. At least that Watson guy knows how to shoot a gun. Isn't he one of those midget people in that one movie?"

"The Hobbit. And I thought you would appreciate Frodo and Sam more. If you were totally incapacitated, I would carry you up the side of an active volcano."

"Whatever. I'm not the pansy with the fancy jewelry. That's you. Don't think I didn't notice all those Puka-shell necklaces hanging off the showerhead. You're the one that showers a billion times a day."

"Mikey was attempting to become a bro. I managed to stop him from tattooing a picture of Snooki across his chest. Does this mean that you wouldn't carry me up the side of a mountain?"

"Sure, Leo. Then we could rent two horses, buy a tent, and reenact Brokeback fucking Mountain."

"And they say that romance is dead."

"I'm too much of a man for you. I have my standards."

"Don't talk like that, butch, we still have a chance. I'll bring out the cuffs and collars. Maybe a blindfold and some hot wax."

"… We need to destroy Don's porn stash. I think I watched that one."

"Agreed. Night, Raph. Don't let your crotch warts keep you up all night. I need my beauty sleep."

"You could be frozen on ice for two hundred years and still be as ugly as a Mike Jefferies. You'd think that the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch could afford to fix his face."

"Stop it, or you'll make me fall for you. I'm too young and vibrant to settle down yet."

"You're missing out, cupcake."

"I'm sure that I will somehow find a way to move on. _Good night_. Before I gag you."

"You would like that, wouldn't you, Leo?"

"As much as I would like draining boils with a pair of blotched pliers."

"I've got warts. You can start with those."

"I think that Don would rather look at those, first. After all, he was the one that gave them to you."

"Jealous, are we?"

"Incredibly. So much that I'm imagining attending a Dr. Phil convention on depression in hamsters."

"You shouldn't talk so dirty, Leo. There are little ones in the house."

"I'll try to contain myself. Now go to sleep before I wake up and realize this is the beginning to some estranged nightmare where I dress up like a B-Movie samurai and April has gotten so much plastic surgery that she looks like a bad cut-out of Meghan Fox."

"Can I wear a do-rag? Don can have some bifocals so big that make him look like an alien cockroach."

"Now I really will have nightmares. Get some damn sleep, butch."

"Don't dream about me too much, princess."


End file.
